Q: My 29 year-old daughter has come home for the Holidays, but to live with me. She is going through an abusive and nasty divorce. I want to help but I am frustrated by her out of control children, am not sure how to ask her to help out more financially, and am ready for to live somewhere else. Any advice?

A: Sure. First, I would recommend not making any hasty decisions about kicking her out. She is probably in a vulnerable emotional state. If she has to find somewhere to live quickly and is emotionally vulnerable, she is a target a mile wide for another poor or abusive relationship. Most abusers appear very caring when they are trapping their next victim. He will give your daughter a place to live, tell her all the right things, then after she moves in, bam! The abuse starts. By the time she realizes how bad he is, she might be pregnant with his child, then you might have him in your daughter's life for the rest of her life. This scenario has been played out again and again before my eyes, and is usually part of the story women tell who are in an abusive relationship. The parents of the victim then complain how much they hate the abuser and wish their daughter could escape his clutches. Even when she does escape, unfortunately, she will be in a worse emotional state than if she had not gotten mixed up with the abuser in the first place.

It needs to also be equally stressed that there is a reasonable length of time for someone to recover from a nasty situation and there are reasonable requirements you can make for her living in your house. In my next articles I will handle in greater detail how to discuss reasonable requirements and how to deal with out of control grandchildren. However, the first point I wish to make, is if something terrible has happened to a person, such as a nasty divorce, that person will have some emotional difficulties and need time and support to heal. If she is pushed too far too fast, greater problems will most likely be the result for both she and you. Good luck.

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